nothing to do with scripture

I just need to put it out there. The last two days have had some scary moments. I'm not sure which was scariest, the 8 hours of dizziness, the panic attack in the hospital when they put in the IV, or the moment when the doctor said it's an inner ear virus causing vertigo, OR, you may have had a minor stroke.

Or really, it could have been yesterday as I sat at home and the more I talked to people on the phone the worse my stutter became and the harder it was to put sentences together. Then there was going for prayer at church and having my greatest fear be that I wouldn't be able to sing anymore.

Thankfully I can still sing without stuttering and my laying still and doing absolutely nothing today seems to have stilled the dizziness... for now.

So how do you go from being relatively healthy, to a virus, to a possible stroke? And how do you process a relatively normal life and processing to feeling like your whole world is spinning? There is a place of confusion that takes over for sure... if you let it.

In my quietness today, even though I haven't prayed, or read, or worshiped in any formal sense of the words, yet today has been peaceful and quiet. I haven't been "fighting against the goads" so to speak, but rather have been just thinking about how life throws things at you and how you have a choice on how you respond.

I certainly never planned to be diabetic. I didn't expect to have 3 eye surgeries in a year, I didn't plan on moving to a small town after my whole adult life was based in the inner city. But that is just it... my plans never worked out. It's always been His plan. Do I like what my body is doing? Absolutely not and it doesn't take the fear away, but do I believe that God is bigger? What choice do I have?

This blog for months now has been about the scriptures and what they are teaching me and what I am learning. I love the Word and it is life to me. But these last couple days especially, when i feel like all other avenues are unavailable to me, the Lord has brought a peace that I don't understand. I'm not panicking, I'm not stressing, I'm trusting... and choosing to believe that the God that I read about and get to know through His word every day is the God who holds me when I'm scared to death and filled with confusion.

Maybe it's a picture of how He will work in us in the future when things do get harder for everyone in different ways. Maybe He's just showing me that He is here, even in my own sense of anger and frustration... that even if things get WAY out of my control... He hasn't left me yet.

Sometimes those experiences speak louder than His word.